The first time I did the lessons, I remember I thought something to the effect of “Yeah, well maybe if I had a negative spin on things like so many people do, but I don’t, thank god, I see mostly the good…” (Competition with God ~ self authorship) I look at that now and I recognized the ego ‘sidestepping denial technique’, a rose-colored glasses perspective designed to avoid even the idea of fear. The idea of total meaninglessness was horrifically terrifying to me. Yet I was completely oblivious to this. So far from any awareness I had to keep it from myself~ too small and fragile was my ‘self’ esteem, too tenuous was my significance in this world ~in my so-called life, which I couldn’t afford to relax a bit. “Had to strive… become a better person… show God I was serious, and appreciative, and a good student’. I didn’t see the set up then… the fear of meaninglessness, let alone the meaningless world, and certainly not the competition with God ~which when I did glimpse it rendered me crippled with guilt. I was a good path for me.
Turns out; none of it meant anything. But, my willingness to trust the Holy Spirit by way of this Course, my gradual willingness to be wrong; to question every thing I ever thought or believed, and my willing to be shown another way and then to practice it, regardless of my personal reactions to it… ~this has been enough…
At some point I became profoundly aware that every upset, from the slightest confusion, irritation, bored resistance, to “knowing” what I “prefer” were confusion about authorship. And, always, with my willingness to look straight on at the seeming situation, I realized no real facts comprised it… only the desperate demands of a spoiled, frightened ego-child afraid to see the truth for fear of losing the ‘seeming security’ of being right about the images and they’re seeming meaning that frailly strung them together to give the illusion of a solid world. Always, this loss of peace stemmed from the belief that I was in competition with God. My “little willingness” to be wrong…showed the instability of a foundation based in “belief” rather than truth which is always solid, immovable and unchanging ~waiting for my recognition of it ~ my Self ~ Love, as God created me. Thank God.
More and more I see evidence in the world of the only thing that could be true, I am as God Created me, and you and I are one. The Peace of God is in our very make up. Being fathered by God, how could it possibly be made of some thing else… No~only God. Only the desire to author myself and reality … to “specialize” myself, could make it seem so. It feels so good, no; right, to finally forgive this arrogant competition with God.... It’s nearly comical to look at it now … like watching little children acting like they ‘know everything’, like; “you’re not the boss of me…!”
Ummm~talk about a shift in perception ~thank you, God; “my so-called life is nothing short of a miracle the holy shift from meaningless-mindedness to miracle-mindedness. What a miracle.
The section in the workbook called “What Is a Miracle?” keeps surfacing in my mind, so apropos… Take a gander if it suits you: http://www.truthbook.com/sacredtexts/ACIM/Workbook.html#P2_13
All of life needs a source to exist and it is impossible that perfect love ~LIFE ~ could mutate into fearful, inevitable death. What a relief to see this folly, ~ Talk about peace…aahh, peace, this is my natural state. Here, I am at home. And you are there with me because there is no such animal as aloneness ~ in oneness. It’s so simply obvious … LOVE IS ALL THERE IS ~and if for a second I don’t see it, I just close my eyes and zero in on the still point of light at the center of my mind, from which I draw out the world, I feel the deep peace and abiding joy of my Self, ~and Love itself expands, beaconing me to extend… Love whispers, “draw this world” ~ and as I open my eyes, I see… Such is the yummy nature of “choosing once again. “
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