Friday, June 1, 2007

Lesson 153:

In my defenselessness my safety lies…

I didn’t realize just how exhausting living life in constant defense was, till I dropped dead in my tracks, so to speak; I realized I had literally been on guard all the time, ready with reasons and rebuttals and explanations and justifications virtually all my life. I came to it like learning the English language. It was the language of my family and their family before them.

When, at last, in defeat, I realized that I simply, was wrong; that I didn’t after all, know anything about anything. And man, what a relief ~ finally room to breathe. How can one catch a good breath and relax in peace when the story of life one is living in is one of constant justification? And why is this so?

The story, simply, is not the truth. All of our belief in and identification with it will not ever make it so. Our commitment to our story can at most, distract the mind; keep its attention busily tied-up on one chaotic fear, or guilty secret within the dream story. But it will never change the eternal love of God from which can only be, the whole truth of what we are.

I love this statement of truth from the today’s lesson: Choice is always made between Christ’s strength and your own weakness, seen apart from Him. Defenselessness can never be attacked, because it recognizes strength so great attack is folly, or a silly game a tired child might play, when he becomes too sleepy to remember what he wants…

I can’t begin to tell you just how much I resonated with this feeling of being too tired to be sane; fighting for a cause long forgotten, driven on by some elusive need to have been ‘right’. Half the time, I couldn’t even get a fix on what the real issue was, and even when it seemed I could, it turned out something was always not quite settled, always in need of defense.

It’s funny, as far back as I remember in my so-called life; from the first moment my bare feet hit the ground, I was haunted by the feeling of fear; unreasonable, indefinable fear, a sort of free-floating anxiety of being found out. Like any day now, I would go to my day and the jury would have convened and ‘judgment‘against me set. It would go something liked, “We have found out you are not what you say you are. You are a fraud and you don’t belong here. Get back on the bus and go back to where you came from. You are not wanted here. That’s when the horrifying aloneness would swallow me into the abyss of the nothingness from which I must have come, because anywhere else, I didn’t know.

Trying to be a member of a club that would not have me as a member, as one of the Marx brothers put it is extremely tedious. It required tenacious, vigilance to maintain this constant defense of my right to be here, while simultaneously trying to earn it through the jumping through hoops and selling of soul, and other initiation flogging… All, to pay the price of admission to an alien club (world). I never felt safe. I never really got a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow was never really another day…

As it turns out, none of us belong, here… We are at home in God, safe in his loving thoughts of His holy Son. This Sonship, created by God was given by membership of each and every aspect of creation as One. And it is a life-eternal membership…

What a total relief to give up the useless journey; to let die that which was born and feel life at once forever real. In life alone I am safe and sure. Life and joy are one in the same and give meaning to mistaken beliefs, reinterpreted from the dream of death.

Their shadows are seen in the darken corners of my atrophied mind, through the continual warm and present light of the love mind-sweep, lighting and restoring strength. Defenselessness is resurrection to life as love would have it be. I cannot see a reason to defend, when everything has been set expressly for this one purpose, salvation sets.

Innocence is my inheritance and you are all, the honored host that brings the gift of my Self to me… I have no need for defense, for there is no enemy within my mind anymore ~so none that I would need to project out upon a world which now only serves to unite with my Self…

I am free. I am as God created me, eternally safe and at peace, eternally one with you, my brothers, united in our Father’s Love…

1 comment:

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