“God is the strength in which I trust…”
I used to really pride myself on my strength… my ability to handle any situation… pull myself up and press on… put my shoulder to the wheel… Not always mind you, of course not. But I’m smart and I know how to work hard…
Then the ‘grand- disillusionment’ of my life, of all my best efforts, hit me square in the face with unbearable inadequacy, impotency ~ the empty loneliness of nothingness which was all that I had made of myself. I could not trust myself. ~ Not at all. And I had no strength from which to draw. … Here’s how it went down…
As I sank within my mind, actually to escape my life~ its self ~(I knew ~no external escape was possible for me. I had tried the entire spectrum form best ness to worst ness and failed. What I found was the horror of this blackness, this loneliness of nothingness, this terrifying erase-ment of ‘me’. The fear seemed to be within and without, breathing heavily on me… But even beneath that, even more encompassing, was the ugly meanness of “guilt" ~so powerful was this force ~it seemed to rule the world and certainly it ruled me! From where did it come? I somehow knew it had been there in my mind from the beginning of time~ How could I not have been aware of it? How have I survived it? Only questions, no answers...
And then, and yet, as I kept sinking down; sinking further to escape this seemingly unbearable experience, the sinking itself seemed to be transport me or transcending perhaps… It seemed to dissolve me to a place of never-ending peace~ where ‘I’ was not there… a peace so deep and so complete that I could not remember any thing I thought or was before, nor did it occur to me, to… Only all of everything ~one~.
For me, it was surely my trusting in my own strength that brought me to my knees, so to speak~ and this surrender allowed me to look upon the horrors of my mind, so long denied. It brought me to a place of honesty which prior to, I had no idea of the l level of with I speak right now… I thought I knew a few things, about spirituality, about God~ thought I knew about love, trust and the like…but, from where I was placing my trust, ~I did not!~
I did not know what was valuable and what as not, although I thought I did. I used my seeming understanding and limited experiences in this realm to actually give value in my mind to the totally meaningless by feeling I could control it, myself, and desired outcomes because it didn’t matter. What I had done was take the few glimpses of these 'spiritual understandings' and listen to the interpretations, the ego’s angle on the whole thing (my so-called life) ~the seemingly compelling voice of my ego... slippery, seductive, sneakily I added my ego to the mix... Which seeing as these are two exclusively and opposite thought systems, well there ya go~ hell…
~ I had to reject one in favor of the other…Significantly, I did. (Once belief has been given to a thought system, it becomes reality. That is its purpose. And one cannot see from within the thought system... Correction can only be made at the level where the error occurred ~ the mind.)
~Choose once again... And again ~ I did…~
~The miracle of forgiveness happens to the mind that asks… I notice.
…God is the strength in which I trust… and there was never a time when any thing else has given me any strength, nor anything else I could trust.
…But oh, from here, NOW…I trust ~I trust the glorious experience of a forgiven Self, a forgiven world ~where every single thing is constructed according to God's plan for Atonement…
Today, I trust you, my brothers who are one with me… the strength of God is truly behind every seeming event and circumstance and it is easy for me to see now that ‘everyone’ is doing their part perfectly…
So simply…God is the strength in which I trust~ and rest assured ~resting in the timelessness of the eternal now ~regardless of what may seem to come on the screen today, we can rest assured, and trust. It is God’s strength holding us in its arms… Ahhhhhhhhh, lean back… can’t you feel it…PEACE~~REST WITH ME HERE TODAY in this exquisitely peaceful resting place where you and I are one and we are as God created us...
Overflowing gratitude and love…
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