Wednesday, January 24, 2007

~musings brought on by lesson 24

Lesson 24:

“I do not perceive my own best interests…”

Boy, it took along time of beating myself over the head and battering up my life for me to see the seductive lie that I knew what was in my best interest, what I liked and what would make me happy. What a thick skull the dream of guilt posses, eh? As I have looked with honesty at every seeming situation in my so-called life, reviewing the past, expecting a possible outcome in the future, or feel I even know what I am doing now, I see honestly that 1) I have never being right about any of it. 2) ‘It’ has never really been in the now, this instant’s seemingly apparent situation. And 3) Even my seeming “told-ya-so”s’ have required justification and a massive story to keep alive. No wonder I have felt weary, overwhelmed, exhausted…dis-spirited. The pain of having to have things figured out became the very catalyst for letting go. In whole hearted defeat by my ‘best’ judgment, I gave up…. I finally no longer believed anything that the guilty, self-loathing, self-aggrandizing voice tried to pass off as ‘right’ for me or anyone. For one instant, I completely emptied out. And in that moment of defeat I saw the present for what I was: All there is! In that instant of release, I found out what willingness means. It means, ‘I know not, yet knowledge knows and I am to be danced by its pace.

What a joyous relief! What a burden it is to think I know and then have the responsibility of making ‘it all go the right way’ for all the characters in my dream. Frightening…Exhausting…and futile…

Thank God there is One who does Know, the Holy Spirit within my mind is so close to me I cannot see, yet closer than my hand to reach out and touch ~ always, already. I need only accept this statement, “I do not perceive my own best interests”…

So, I am a peace with not ‘figuring-it-out’ (most of the time) I have found that only ‘not-knowing’ gives me peace, only ‘not-knowing’ cracks open my strategic mind to that still place within where I reside along with you…that place from which I emerge with new perception, with trust in all my brothers and myself~

The more I am willing to accept this, the more I experience peace of mind. And on a practical level, it is such a powerful and useful instrument in the process of forgiving the world. Apply the principle and allow the Holy Spirit to visit into my mind the replacement thought for the one I that I knew. One I so appreciate, value and utilize. It is enlivening to allow for the present moment to be enough; to trust that all that is needed will be supplied, that joy is here, now, the instant I am present and accounted for.

A phrase from a poem by David Whyte that really struck a cord with me and revisits my mind whenever I start deviating into weariness is, “The antidote for exhaustion is not necessarily rest. The antidote for exhaustion is WHOLE-HEARTEDNESS,” ~Yes~ Like the Course says, All Happiness comes from doing God’s will…and I can’t know God’s will as along as I think there is a will apart from Him…I need only relinquish what I think ‘my’ will is to see they are the same~

…only One purpose, unified and sure …

‘Trust will answer every problem, now… Thank God I was wrong about my own best interests ~and that the very futility of trying to know left me only one recourse, to throw my hands in the air, so to speak, and spill-out that desperate prayer, ”I just don’t know! There has got to be another way…” And, the other way has come…

“Spirit is in a state of grace forever.

Your reality is only spirit.

Therefore you are in a state of grace forever.”

We are joined in purpose, you and I ~ ‘I cannot go without you, for you are part of me…’

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